| I'm Not Dead, But I'm Not Quite The Same |
[03 Jun 2009|08:59pm] |
Wow. I really haven't posted in a long, long, time.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) gwyd messaged me to see if I am okay. The truth? Kind of not.
After being in the hospital from a hit-and-run accident in February and not being able to even reach my family was emotionally worse than the actual injuries. All that emotional trauma was so bad that I could barely speak for a couple weeks after. Not to mention that my misanthropy level rose (being hit by a car who takes off, going to to the ER, not being able to contact anybody I knew, and dealing with the bill is horrible).
I've been so alone that I've been going to the game room; but with the occasional rude and homophobic comments I hear, I am seriously thinking of stopping that. I've thought of stopping before, but then I think. Those Friday nights are close to my only face-to-face social interaction (I also do Voice chat on Mondays with another group), and if I stop that I have no idea what people will think. Plus, comments aside, I do kind of enjoy playing.
Honestly, I keep coming close to just becoming a shut-in. I just feel that I'm losing my ability to connect to people. I've lost several people over the past year, and I wonder why I put energy into relationships in the first place if people are going to rip away from me. I'm also caring a whole lot less about the outside world and humanity. I've started playing board, miniature, and video games against myself.
Oh, and another reason for a lack of updates was that my computer died. I'm on a tiny laptop now.
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[20 Aug 2008|11:00pm] |
Everybody's leaving me now.
I'm so out of touch with everyone.
And I was also dumped by my girlfriend.
GAME OVER
BAD END
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| Aaahhhh! |
[24 Aug 2005|08:21pm] |
I tried to go out for a drink today at the Black Drop. I had an iced latte, which when I tasted it I swear it was the second worst drink I've gotten there (the worst being a toddy). And I was backlogged by other people who were known by the people and I swear came in after me. You know, maybe I should find another place; the Black Drop is confirming my nonexistence.
The past couple times I've been down to the game rooms at Eagles have been like... well, like I didn't walk in. Nobody noticed or cared. I just didn't fit in. With gamer guys. I feel like people suggesting I go play with others to feel less lonely, but I don't fit in with them.
Last Saturday was so nice because I felt important. Now I'm back to feeling like I barely exist.
Anyway, I know I exist enough to pick up some used DVDs (Volume 1 of Tsukikage Ran and Irresponsible Captain Tylor, if you're curious).
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| Belated DVD Player Gift |
[22 Aug 2005|04:52pm] |
I finally got my all-region DVD player. It came a half-hour ago. I've tested it, and it works... at least on Reigon 1 and all-region DVDs. It even came with a free Chinese drama DVD.
(Backstory: When my birthday came around two months ago, my parents asked what I wanted. I pointed out to them this site. They actually agreed to it, but didn't order it until a week or two ago.)
(Since I've had to descibe this to a lot of people, here is an explanation of regions:)
http://us.yesasia.com/help/Topic.aspx?topicId=1107&lang=en
(Edit 5:55pm: The link should work now.)
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| Moving Others |
[20 Aug 2005|09:17pm] |
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Well, today I helped nuin (and to a lesser extent changeling7) move into their new place. It was nice to meet some of her friends, and help her move. I'm a bit tired (I was moving all that stuff on little sleep) and certain articles of clothing got really uncomfortable after a while.
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| Stuff |
[19 Aug 2005|08:54pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
] |
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music |
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WWI Documentary DVD Menu |
] |
I realized last night that I haven't heard or seen the woman and child that lived next door with the obnoxius tenant. Her car is gone. I'm wondering if she she finally got tired of the emotional abuse and left him, taking the child. I'm glad for her, but the jerk still lives next to me.
My mother is still wondering when I am going to move. Considering that at least 3-4 people I know have moved this summer, I was thinking of moving. I didn't have very good excuses (get away from jerk next door, get family off my back, and "my friends are all moving, so why don't I").
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| Events |
[18 Aug 2005|02:34pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
For people wondering about whether I'm going or not to certain events:
• Dragon's Down - No (I promised a friend to help them move)
• Warren War - Most likely (although I really need to decide if it's for a day or the entire event)
• Sakura-con - Yes (although I'm not registered and will have to do the more expensive pre-reg next month)
• OryCon - Most likely, provided I can still share a room (I though about it, and figured if I can deal with family for almost a week, then I should be okay with three days of friends; I also might need to shift my priorities and realize that being with friends are a coincidence and to pay attention more to the actual con).
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| Why Speak? |
[16 Aug 2005|07:16am] |
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mood |
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hopeless |
] |
I feel like I don't matter. Whatever I say never seems to stick, and when it does it's seems like it's usually something offensive that I didn't mean. Sometimes I'll try to say something meaningful, but the words seem to be worthless. I might work up the courage to say something, just to have the words having no meaning or value. It proves my idea that nothing really matters.
If all I say is meaningless or just hurts people, then why say anything at all? I guess it's because people care about me, or at least so I believe. Actually, I'm sure people do care about me as a living thing that resembles a human.
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| Alien |
[14 Aug 2005|09:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
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alienated |
] |
I went to bed last night on top of the bed sleeping on the covers. I woke up this morning to find myself under the covers and sore.
Anyway, I guess I'll complain about being an alien.
Lately, I feel like I don't belong. I realize that I am an individual, and have differences from everybody. But I've been feeling that those differences are too much, too far apart. It's like I'm not human. I can still be with groups and have fun (and even be happy for a bit), but I feel like I'm not like any of them when conversation comes up. It's like I'm on a totally different wavelength. I feel like I can't get close to a lot of people.
I do feel my friends care about me. I know when I go to Aiya or gaming that they like me. I just feel that I'm not like them. They often talk about things I either can't comprehend or can't relate to. But then, if somebody asked what can I relate to, I'm not sure I could answer.
I feel like I'm only partially in this world, and that I'll never completely fit in. It's as if I'm an alien from another world or another dimension. Or shouldn't exist.
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| Paradox? |
[12 Aug 2005|10:49am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
I had a brief anti-technology stint yesterday. My computer was haywire; the profile settings got messed up, and my computer kept thinking it was December 2002. The AV plugs in the front of my TV were damaged somehow. Finally, I went to change the fuses to fix the power situation and didn't really know how. I ended up shocking myself twice before giving up. There was a point where my music players didn't work. I think somebody did fix the problem, because the lights and power came back on that evening, and everything somehow repaired itself.
In other news (or perhaps related), I don't feel as spiritually dead anymore. I'm not sure why. I had a big spiel on it, but I'll save that. Sufficed to say, I feel less like a zombie and feel more like an alien.
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| Memeling |
[11 Aug 2005|01:40pm] |
Walk-In | |
Ever woken up one day and felt like you didn't even
know who you were? who your family was? What
you were even DOING here? Chances are your soul
is a reassigned Walk-In , a replacement soul
for when the first one became too dissilusioned
and exhausted of its Earthly life, and
requested to pull out of the mission. As a
result of this you feel inexplicably lost at
times, with a vast amount of questions no-one
can answer, not even you. The main reason why
Walk-Ins take on the role of a human being is
because the previous soul was miserable in its
situation, possibly attempting suicide to
escape it. Instead of wasting a perfectly good
body, you approched that soul and exchanged
places, them going back to their spiritual home
while you continue their work here on Earth.
Rest assured only the most prestigious and
self-assured souls with great experience of
Earth and its many trials and tribulations take
on this role, so while you may feel confused
about how you ended up here, always keep in
mind your wonderful sense of drive and inner
strength, and that all you aspire to be will
become a reality. You've come this far, and
with your immense power you can only go even
further. |
Which Earth Angel Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Powerless |
[10 Aug 2005|09:42pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
I returned to my apartment a moment ago to find limited power to it. All of the lights and half of the outlets have no power. I have my computer and refrigerator (also known as "Life Support"), and 2 working power outlets. I have no lights or game systems. I don't even have a working flashlight. I'm guessing a fuze blew somewhere, but I don't know wich one; plus, it's too dark to work on that problem now. Tomorrow morning I get a fuze and start working.
Once more, I find proof that my life not only sucks, but it's a frickin' black hole.
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| Movies and Anime |
[31 Jul 2005|08:04pm] |
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mood |
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hot |
] |
I scrounged up enough money to go see War of the Worlds. It was interesting; while it was nice that they showed things from a civilian perspective (complete with paranoia and backstabbing that goes on in a crisis), I think that since they altered it a bit they could have made the aliens use biological protection.
I also watched the first two episodes of the anime Koi Koi 7. All I have to say is the show is extremely perverted, but reminds me of Kujibiki Unbalance in that it's random.
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| Icons/Avatars, and The Monster Nausizz |
[30 Jul 2005|11:22pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
] |
(Don't ask me why they're called "avatars". It's probably the same group that call those tests "memes".)
Anyway, here are some I made due to boredom...
( C L I P )
Addendum:
Oh, and just to throw in an in-joke, here's a screen shot from an SNK game called Crossed Swords.
( Big Shot )
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